Today, it gets real here on the blog. I am going to talk about stuff I never talk about because I am too embarrassed to admit that I struggle. I want to be that person that never doubts God in their life. The one who never struggles with her weight or her self esteem because she has her priorities in check. That girl who has her spending under control and never has to worry about how the mortgage will get paid or if the car will be in the driveway tomorrow. I’d like to write this and pretend it’s all true and that I completely trust God and all He has done and will do.
But I am not that person. Fact is, I do struggle and to be completely honest, I am struggling. I struggle with doubt, with decision making, with lack of discipline and worry. Sometimes on a daily basis. I can see God working in other people’s lives and my own, sometimes. So why do I doubt? Why do I make bad choices when I know better?
Why do I keep struggling with struggles when I believe in the One who overcame struggling once and for all?
I love this image and these words. They make me stop and think. It’s hard for us to remember that the heroes of our faith never had advanced warning or assurance of the endings to their stories. (Some did, but it took years to manifest. Sarah laughed, remember?) It is easy to imagine saying, “I would totally walk in that fiery furnace. Jesus shows up so it’s cool.” Three men said yes when the only assurance they could see was their imminent departure from this world. And they went in. The craziest part of the whole story is what they told those Babylonians! They stated even if their God does NOT come through; even STILL they would praise and trust Him.
Even if, still.
Even if I cannot see a way, still I will go down the path God is leading me down. (And I will try not to be as begrudging along the way. Shadrach, I aim for your faith. Because right, I feel like a hot mess of Peter’s anxiety, Moses’ insecurity, David’s fear, Thomas’ doubt and Saul’s regret.)
I am learning love and faith are not single decisions or grand gestures. They are daily choices that, contrary to my long held belief, have nothing to do with emotions or feelings. Maybe you need this, too.